I went from insecure, to confident, from immature to self-aware, to breaking my unconsciousness and living for the unprepared. I came to love the unexpected and to hate all that was planned, I suffered from the consequences and the way life went.
I have no idea where I am going, where I’ve been or where I’m at. My memories are blurry and I have voices in my head.
I love the ones that I lost until the day I die. But no one thought about me when I tripped over my heart and died, inside. Perhaps they never meant to, and perhaps I never will, but the thorns of all these roses cause more blood, than my intentions ever will.
I’m sorry if I hurt me, I never planned to cry. I’m sorry for the sickness, all the signs of the times. I want to throw away my phone, it made me a prisoner in my own head. But there is too much at stake, too much I might miss and forget.
I wish the times were different, but I hope it’ll stay the same. I’m a walking contradiction, I break my rules in my own play. I am my own hero, waiting for someone else to save me. I am the writer of my story, with the hope for a certain destiny.
I walk alone in the streets, but I still hope you will find me. I am afraid to go to sleep, because my bad dreams will haunt me. I close the doors, but open the windows, hoping that you’ll come in with the rain. I’m being selfish and stubborn, collecting sources of pain.
I feel like I don’t know myself and my surroundings. Have I been changing or was I never that interesting? I change my pathways, but the past is still chasing me. I lay awake, until the sadness breaks me. I am okay, for the time being. I am okay, until my heart starts bleeding. Red, dripping, out of my chest, covers my white shirt, plays tricks my head.
I feel like there are visions, maybe illusions or dreams. It’s you I’ve been missing, in daylight, in my hands and in my knees.
I’m drinking too much coffee, only to stay awake. My body’s aching, my soul is weak, my spirit hidden away. So much thoughts and pieces, puzzled and unorganised. That’s the way my mind’s working, circling until I’m paralysed.