Tired

I am tired of me. Tired of my face, my smile and my way of thinking. I am tired of all my emotions and the way I am feeling. I avoid my mirror, listening to my own voice, the sound of my footsteps, every sound, every noise, coming from my own body.

I loved myself some weeks ago, but something’s changed. I can’t quite explain, but I feel angry. With myself and the way I’m acting. Self-aware and unprepared, insecure and running scared.

I am tired of being so needy, of craving love from other souls. Giving love but never receiving. Exposing myself, they watch me bleeding. I open up, just to shut down again. I fall in love and every time the landing hurts again.

I am tired of being so distant, towards the ones I love the most. It’s an unconscious state of being, my body’s protecting my soul. But now I’m lonely and I’m cold, I’m tired and alone. I don’t let the people close, because I am scared for something I don’t know.

I am angry and ashamed for giving my all, all the time. To people, to situations that break me, forever change me. I keep fantasising, memorising, recalling and reminiscing. I play pictures in my mind, trying to re-experience certain times. But it’s all gone and I can’t accept. That’s why it’s chasing me, that’s the reason I’m stuck in my head.

I’m killing myself with looking back, craving for things I can never have. That might be my worst flaw, dreaming of things that make me sad. I should stop wishing and praying, because some things won’t ever be. But I am hard at accepting, I am so hard to please.

Sorry for tonight, I promise I’ll be fine.