From now on I’m not gonna label myself anymore. I’m done with being ‘sick’. I’ve been to doctors, to psychologists and to psychiatrists and they all told me the same story in a different context. I’ve been labelled with anxiety, a panic disorder, depression, dysthymia and cyclothymia (bipolar). Maybe tomorrow they diagnose again with a few more other disorders. Take yours meds, get enough sleep and it will work itself out, right? Lies, lies, lies.
The funny thing is, I always wanted to get diagnosed, so I would know how to cure my sadness, my madness and my despair. But the truth is, there is no cure for any of the symptoms. I genuinely believe I don’t suffer from mental illnesses as much as I suffer from life. My sadness comes from seeing what’s real, seeing reality in front of my eyes and having no control over it. The unstoppable force of time, for example. It’s freaking me out how time is passing, how moments slip and how they vanish. I hate the fact I’m growing older, how the people around me age by day. I want to hold on to moments, to memories and to people. But I can’t. No one can and it scares me so much… But also the fact that I will never be able to comprehend all that there is, all that was and all that will be. There’s too much in the world and in life itself that can’t be grasped. The vastness of it all, the amount of beings, entities, planes and realms. We will never know, we will never see, feel, hear things that aren’t for us. The human mind is not made to experience it all. We’re so fragile and paper thin and the universe is beyond us all. Realising how small humanity is, and how even smaller I am, is terrifying. I am nothing to the world, but I’m everything to myself. And I keep thinking about it. What is reality? How many realities are there? Does everyone has their own or is there only one we all long for to experience in the end? Those questions keep me up at night. And I know I will never be able to see the truth, to get my questions answered, but I keep dwelling on it. Maybe because we’re so used to get answers, to define and conceptualise. And it’s kind of funny, because every science is only full of speculation. Truth is made by man, a humankind. We built our own truths, our own lies. But who’s to decide what is real and what isn’t? I don’t think we have the power and abilities to do so.
But it’s not only the questions I ask and the observations I make on a metaphysical level, that makes me blue, it’s also things I see in the human world. The world I live in. I see the way people treat each other, the way humans treat animals. Where did the compassion and empathy go? Most people are blinded, driven by toxic desires. They are all acting in a selfish way, leaving traces of destruction behind. I’m so sick of society nowadays. It’s all about money, power, glory and fame, isn’t it? People turn their heads for the things that are really important. Lies are told, lies are sold and lies are believed in. People will follow and other will lead. It’s a disease, it’s a curse and there is no remedy.
Most people get stuck in exhausting jobs they don’t even like, burn themselves out and eventually die in misery. I think this is the worst thing that can happen to you. Being stuck in the system, where there is no room for self-exploration, self-development and joy. But that’s just the way it is right? I shouldn’t be complaining and just follow the crowd. That stupid, damned crowd. “Normal” life is terrible. Why wasting so much time? Why is it so hard to see how valuable and sacred time is? It’s not about the future, it’s about the now. The little things in life are creating happiness. I appreciate those small things and moments everyday more and more. This is my source of joy. Although I am not always able to unsee the tragic things in life. That’s why I’m sad most of the time. On the other hand, I see so much beauty in nature, in life itself. I can’t help but feeling so grateful, so blessed, to experience the world, to live my life. It’s a continuous struggle, a battle in my mind. I see the beauty, I see the pain, I see the love, I see the hate.
And maybe we, the labelled ones, are the only ones to see the world as it really is. Yes, I am full of extreme contradictions, I’m full of opposites and I experience a lot of ups and downs. I get happy, I get sad, and a lot of other things that are in between. But isn’t that what life is about? Seeing the good and the bad, and seeing the good in the bad and the other way around? I’m just hoping, praying, that one day, we can appreciate all that life offers us, and focus on the things that really do matter. I wish to be guided by love, inspiration and compassion. And not only me, but everybody else. Because it’s such a shame… And I know there will be still some things, huge things and processes we can’t control. But the things we can control, let’s control them and make them better.
I may be a dreamer, I may be an idealist, and I may believe in things that will never be. But I know I’m not the only one and I truly believe change is coming, light is shining and things will evolve.