I feel like I’m dying, although I know I’m alive. I hear voices in my head, whispering, creeping in, getting louder and louder until I can’t hear anymore. My vision gets blurry, now everything feels like a dream. Is this still reality? I look at my hands and I don’t recognise them as being mine. My heart is pounding, skipping a beat once in a while. The neurons in my brain lost their direction. I feel them rushing, running, trying to find a way to survive. My head feels light, close to feeling dizzy. I’m thinking clearly, yet everything is a blur. I’m moving back and forth, and back again. I feel my mind organising. I am trying. But it’s all too much. I get overwhelmed by every noise, every thing I see. It is all too much. There’s not enough room, there’s not enough space. I can’t process, progress, evaluate it all at once. I’d be better off sleeping. At least for a while. A little hour before demons come to visit me in my dreams. I have no control. I try to wake up, wake up I scream to myself. I’m captivated, demonised, held hostage, I’m afraid. It’s all dark and everything feels out of place. Weird figures, strange perspectives, faces of people I’ve never met. I try to run, but my feet are chained. Time is ticking, time is running out. Every place feels unfamiliar, every room holds a secret. I am stuck in my mind, trying to numb myself. There is this prison, this feeling of drowning. How the hell do I breathe, where even am I? What is real, what is reality? I’m kind of soaring, but I am awake, ain’t I?
They all cross my mind, they’re waiting in line. Shut the hell up, move away from my memory. You brought me too much pain, you made me hurt in every way. Please leave me alone. I need time, I need space, I don’t need you in my life. Don’t come to me with your intentions, whether they are good or bad. Let me sleep, don’t dare to visit me in my dreams. I’m tired. God, I’m so fucking tired. Everything is moving, everything is changing. My mind is racing, there’s too much, I can’t… I can’t process, I can’t take this.. anymore.. I need help. I don’t need help, I can do it all on my own. Leave me alone, but don’t leave me like this. I’m begging you to go, I don’t want you to see me like this. Don’t give me your love, but I need it so bad. Please stay with me, I’m dying. I’m losing my fucking mind. Again. Don’t bother, it will pass, it will go away. Sometime, someday. Maybe tomorrow, maybe even today.
I’m writing fast, I’m thinking even faster. My eyes are moving left to right. My hands shiver. Okay, I am calm now. I mean, I am calmer now. Breathe in, breathe out, notice the rise and the fall of the breath. Recenter, re-enter. I’m okay. I’m fine. This will do.