April 30th ‘18 #Thoughts

It feels odd, being back home again. The contrast between London and the place I grew up in is huge. Life is so safe here, so simple, so quiet. It might sound strange, but I miss the busy streets, the strangers, the feeling of being anonymous. I’m not saying that I like to feel lonely, I just enjoy being on my own. Mostly in an environment where no one knows my name, where no one even cares about it. I like to vanish in the crowd, while observing life around me. It is so damn fascinating how the world turns, how people live their lives, the same way I do. There are so many people, too much to comprehend. But no one, literally no one, looks the same. They are all individuals, doing their own thing. And I’m just quietly watching it all. Just let it all pass, let it all come and go. It makes me feel small but at the same time it doesn’t. The feeling that fills my body in a moment like this is rather a feeling of awe, inspiration and fascination.

Still, I can’t help but wondering; why do so many people settle so easily? It’s not that I’m not grateful or never satisfied. I do enjoy the littlest things in life, I wake up everyday with a feeling of bliss and happiness and every night I thank the universe for everything I have. But I can’t stand settling, being stuck in one place, doing the same things everyday. A life or routine and familiarity. I tried, I swear, I tried to be satisfied with this easy way of living. But I can’t help myself but craving for more. Knowing there is more and willing to risk it all.

People tell me I dream too much. They say that I have too many unrealistic expectations that don’t align with the world we live in. And maybe they are right, but who are they to tell me I can’t create my own reality? People in this society like to crush dreams, as if they are paper houses. They love to bring others down, just to feel better themselves. Everyone tells me to grow up, get a real job and get my head out of the clouds. They tell me to find a lover, get a 9 to 5, so I can create the best conditions to raise some children. Because that is the way it works right? You have to fit into that perfect picture society created. It’s tragic. And it makes me so sad people don’t think for themselves, don’t follow their passion and end up bitter and disappointed.

That’s maybe my greatest fear. Becoming like the majority of this population. A scenario where I will settle for less, push my dreams aside and end up unhappy. No I don’t want to marry, no I don’t want to have children and no, I don’t want a boring well-payed job. I want to learn about life, religions, cultures, philosophies, and art. I want to travel, write, sing, dance, meet new people, and experience life in every aspect. I want to feel, love and be loved. I want to get hurt, get heartbroken and be fixed by someone else. I’m not afraid to feel, like some people are. Because that’s the beautiful thing of life. The flow of it all. The highs and the lows, the good and the bad. The good in the bad and the other way around. Life is yin and yang, beautiful in its own way. Rain is needed for flowers to grow. Why curse when the rain appears? Why not just dance with the raindrops?

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